I was paralyzed during a nightmare of me being raped again.

We all like to think that we have absolute control over what happens to us.

But sadly, that's not true.

I usually plan my entire week (or even month!) ahead.
I usually plan my entire week (or even month!) ahead.

Take this Saturday for example: two upsetting events occurred to me, and I had no way of preventing them.

The first unsettling event was a nightmare of me being raped all over again.

I wrote about how I was raped by an older man in his 50s when I was 17 here:

Raped @ 17 - Part 1

To make that nightmare even worse, it happened while I was in a state of sleep paralysis. Most people will experience sleep paralysis at least once during their life. It happens to me a few times a year.

What is "sleep paralysis"?

Here's a summary:

"Sleep paralysis is a state during waking up or falling asleep, in which a person is aware but unable to move or speak. During an episode, one may hallucinate (hear, feel, or see things that are not there), resulting in fear. Episodes generally last less than a couple of minutes."

What's so terrifying about sleep paralysis is that while you're dreaming your brain perceives the dream as reality and, therefore, you endure unimaginable fear and a sense of helplessness.

In my recent sleep paralysis, I dreamt that Felix and I were sleeping outdoors.

Suddenly I heard a man approaching. I couldn't see his face, but I was terrified of his arrival.

When he got closer, I realized it was the bastard that had raped me all those years ago. And suddenly, I was no longer outdoors.

I was again in his stinky apartment.

In the next few minutes, I re-lived that horrible experience. Even though it was a dream, I experienced it as if it was happening for real because I was in a state of sleep paralysis.

The nightmare unfolded just as the rape was taking place. As it progressed, I kept yelling "Help Me!" in an attempt to wake Felix up, but he continued sleeping or ignored me.

I was lying on my back wearing only white briefs, and the rapist came on top of me.

Back then, I still didn't know what a jock was
Back then, I still didn't know what a jock was

He'd tried to kiss me, but I turned my head away. He had a stinky smoker's breath and a stench of cheap perfume.

That perfume made this disgusting experience even worse.

He started to play with my nipples, and it was painful. I'd tried to move his hands away, and in response, he held my arms and said: "Relax, you might even enjoy it!"

Why did he think I'd enjoy it?

Because during our lengthy phone conversation, I'd told him that I enjoy nipple play.

By the age of 13, I had already discovered how fun my nipples were.
By the age of 13, I had already discovered how fun my nipples were.

"You're hurting me! Please don't hold my arms," I begged.

He let go of my arms and started to lick and bite my nipples. The feeling was wet and gross.

Every time he bit my nipple I closed my eyes because it was painful.

During the nightmare, the vision was so real. I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. I felt completely paralyzed, which is how I always feel during sleep paralysis.

Instead of screaming, I looked at Felix and noticed he was eating cookies. I often hide cookies from him, but eventually, he finds them.

Felix smiled: "Shit! You caught me."

Felix has a sweet tooth.
Felix has a sweet tooth.

I looked back at the rapist because I knew what was about to happen. He kept licking and biting my left nipple while twitching the right one with his left hand.

Then, he shoved his right hand into my underwear and grabbed my cock.

My cock was, of course, soft.
My cock was, of course, soft.

He was disappointed that my cock wasn't hard.

"Aren't you enjoying it?" he asked me.

I didn't know what to say, so I just muttered: "It's ok. Don't you want to cum?"

"Not so soon!" was his answer.

He took my briefs off, leaving me completely naked (he was already naked). Then he turned around, so his hairy hole was level with my face.

He put a ton of that cheap perfume all over his ass and anus.

I imagined he'd wanted me to lick his hole, but I wasn't going to do that. Since I hadn't cooperated, he pushed his anus so close to my face that I could barely breathe.

Then he started sucking my cock, but it didn't get hard because I was so grossed by his hole being so close to my nose.

He stopped sucking my cock, changed his position, and lubed it.

Then he masturbated my penis, which, unusually, I was happy about, because at least I no longer had to smell his hole.

Unfortunately, masturbating my cock made it hard after a few seconds

I was ashamed that my cock was cooperating with him.
I was ashamed that my cock was cooperating with him.

You might be shocked that I got hard under such circumstances. However, bear in mind that I was just a teenager. My cock got hard all the time without me having any control over it.

So, when he masturbated my penis, it was a physical reaction like raising the temperature to boil water.

I didn't enjoy it at all.

"You have a big cock for your age. I'm impressed," he said. I couldn't have cared less about his compliment. I just wanted him to cum and let me go.

I can't explain in words how terrified I was during this nightmare.

I was far more scared than when I was 17 because I knew what the rapist was about to do to my body. I knew the worst was still to come, unlike when I was 17, and assumed it would be all over soon.

"Turn around," he ordered me.

I was happy to turn around because I wanted his gross fingers away from my penis and testicles. While changing position, it crossed my mind that some things might be worse than him holding my hard cock.

When I was a teenager I didn't get fucked each time I gave my ass to another boy. Most teenagers rubbed their cock on my crack or got horny enough just from seeing my love hole.

Most times, that was enough to have cum all over my ass and back in a few seconds.

Older guys (in their early 20s) were those who always wanted to fuck me. But the rapist was three times my age and I didn't know what he would do on seeing my ass.

I was hoping that he would cum immediately and allow me to leave.

At that age, I still didn't get fucked as often as today.
At that age, I still didn't get fucked as often as today.

"When was the last time you got fucked?" he inquired.

The truth was I'd been fucked a week before he forced me to come to his stinky place. There was nothing unusual about it since I'd lost my ass-virginity at the age of 16.

At the age of 17, I was already an experienced bottom.

Compared to how professional my getting-fucked skills are today, my experience back then was laughable.

For example, Here's a video of me starting to ride Felix's massive hammer.

Note how my love hole gets loose in a matter of seconds, and how quickly my ass swallows his entire penis. Right after, I'm able to ride his thick cock at ease.

That's how professional my hole is.

I wasn't able to open my hole and get fucked so quickly at the age of 17. However, compared to other bottoms my age, my ass was already legendary.

But I didn't want the rapist to know that I could easily get fucked; therefore I said: "In truth, I never got fucked. I'm still a virgin."

"But you told me on the phone how much you enjoy it when your ass gets pounded and that you do it quite often. You also said how you want me to fuck you."

"I lied about it, just as I lied about wanting to come over to your place." was my answer.

From his facial expression, I couldn't tell if he believed me or not. But I was about to find out because he came between my legs and tried to spread them.

I resisted his attempt and asked: "What are you doing?"

"I just want to get a better view of your ass."

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I tried to negotiate my way out of this nightmare (the one that happened for real): "Will you cum on my ass if I spread my legs?".

"Definitely!" he assured me. "I'm very close."

Of course, it was a lie, but I believed him because I was (and still am) very gullible. In addition, I thought that he was telling the truth because his cock was hard and leaking quite a lot of precum.

I'd never had sex with such an older man before, and at the age of 17, when my cock got hard, I couldn't hold my seed.

Any time I played with my hard penis, I felt that I must ejaculate. The urge was as strong as the need to piss.

I was sure that he was about to shoot his load because he was masturbating the entire time. I remember that I was surprised he didn't cum soon after he got naked.

As I got older, I've learned how to postpone my orgasm. I can have sex for several hours and not cum.

Well, you all know it:

It's called edging.

Sometimes edging is more enjoyable than ejaculating
Sometimes edging is more enjoyable than ejaculating

But I'd never heard of "edging" back then, and even if I had, the idea would have sounded stupid to me.

What's the point of holding my seed if I can have another orgasm in an hour or even less?

The recent nightmare continued to unfold just as it had so many years ago. I was paralyzed and frightened. In my mind, I was again 17 and helpless.

It all felt so real. I turned my head to look at Felix and tried to scream, but I was paralyzed.

He was still eating cookies.

Since the rapist had assured me that he would cum if I spread my legs, I did as he wanted. However, instead of shooting his seed on my ass, he spread my ass cheeks and whistled in admiration.

"Damn! You have such a sweet, smooth boy-pussy."

I didn't believe he would try to do anything else other than look at my hole
I didn't believe he would try to do anything else other than look at my hole

When I was 17, I had no idea what he was about to do next. But in my recent nightmare, I knew exactly what was going to happen.

He came on top of me, and, once again, I smelled the cigarettes and that horrible cheap perfume. I folded my legs and nearly screamed: "What are you trying to do?"

"Shhh," he whispered in my ear. "Spread your legs like before. That way, I can fuck you exactly like you said you wanted me to during our phone call."

I tried to open my mouth and scream, but I couldn't because I was paralyzed. I wanted to scream, "Felix, Help Me! Help Me! Why don't you stop him???"

And, just at that point, I snapped out of my sleep paralysis. I was no longer in that horrible apartment.

I was also no longer a terrified naked teenager.

I was a naked, grown man, in my bed, next to the love of my life, Felix.

I don't know how I could live a day without him!
I don't know how I could live a day without him!

Felix was sleeping like an angel, unaware of the drama that had taken place in my mind. I wanted to wake him up and hug him, but I decided to let him sleep and enjoy a peaceful morning.

Instead, I hugged and patted sweet Luka.

Luka will never hurt me!
Luka will never hurt me!

What happened after he'd finished raping and molesting me?

I returned to my uncle's apartment. The first thing I did was to take a very long shower. I wanted to scrape off any reminders and remains of his filthy touch and body fluids.

I paid particular attention to washing my ass, anus, and cock.

I felt so cheap and dirty.
I felt so cheap and dirty.

Did it help?

Even though I no longer smelled his cum or perfume on my body, In my mind, the events kept replaying over and over again.

It was an endless loop starting with me walking up the stairs to his filthy apartment to him being on top of me and forcing me to spread my legs.

I didn't say anything about it to anyone because I was so ashamed.

But for months, all I wanted was to crawl somewhere, hide, and cry.

It must have been the worst period of my life (until my brain injury two years ago).
It must have been the worst period of my life (until my brain injury two years ago).

How am I holding up after so many years?

Except for this recent nightmare, I never think about this creep. He told me that he was 52; who knows, he may be dead by now.

I don't wish him dead because I have no emotions regarding him.

However, ever since that day, I never tolerate or enjoy it when a guy is touching my cock.

Even though a lot of guys give me compliments regarding my penis

As you’ve read several times, I’m sure, one of the first things I tell a potential breeder is that I don't enjoy getting a blowjob, and I don't want my cock touched.

I assume it's because the rapist wouldn't let go of my cock (and allow me to leave) until I had an orgasm (after his).

Nowadays, it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and vulnerable when a man is holding my cock.

That's a shame because I know I have a decent-sized penis.

On the side of the bed, waiting for Felix to raise my legs and start fucking me.
On the side of the bed, waiting for Felix to raise my legs and start fucking me.

What was the second upsetting event that happened to me on Saturday?

That’s for another time!

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