Conventional wisdom tells us that ignorance is a bad thing, and that knowledge is power.
I do believe in that. The more you know, the more tools you have to handle situations in life. For the first time in my life, I have discovered that ignorance carries its value.
In October, I’ve suffered brain Ischemia. Brain Ischemia is an inadequate blood supply that is not stroke-related. A neurological doctor in a big hospital close to where I live started taking care of me.
Since my situation was severe (brain damage, and all that), I became his patient. I saw him the morning after the ER, after two weeks, a month and two months.
Why did I have to see him so often?
Ischemia is an ongoing situation that lasts for a few months. In my case, after six weeks, the inflammation was over.
However, the damage was here to be with me for the rest of my life.
My goal was to return to life as fast as possible. This new situation has forced me to adjust. Sometimes I will drop items out of my hands. My right vision can get blurry. Everything takes a little bit more time. I need to drive slower, and so on.
I was doing quite well at it. People can't tell I am 30% disabled. My camouflage is so good that sometimes I wish my friends would have known how hard it is for me and support me more.
But I prefer it that way.
Each time I went to see the doctor, it has been a painful reminder that I'm not OK.
Again the poking, the physical pain, the coordination, and nerve tests that show me how fucked up I am. The point is to see how much brain damage I have.
During my daily life, I can forget the extent of the injury. Each time I went to see him was like being punched in the stomach. Each time after seeing him, It has taken me at least a week to recover emotionally.
Our last meeting has taken place at the end of December.
"Well, Theon, it seems that the inflammation is over, the damage is here to stay. It might worsen, but that's unlikely, and I don't expect it will get any better. You will need to come again for a checkup in four months and then every year."
Why do I need to see him ever again?
There is nothing he can do to help me. He can't prevent another ischemia. If the situation worsens, I don't need his awful tests to know, I will feel it right away.
Two weeks ago, I called the hospital and canceled my appointment.
I don't need any more doctors.
Give me my nudity,
My beach time with my darling Luka,
My mind-blowing (pun intended) orgasms
I don't need anything else.
I'm happy as can be